On Fathers Day I Say...

Make today about you
Just once say no to them all.
Enjoy a western
Or visit the grandchildren.
Just do what you want to do

You are a great dad,
Who has listened to our woes,
Forgiven our crimes,
Patched up our many bruises
And fixed my car once or twice.

The nest is empty
Yet you still support us all
Your job never done
Today though is your day to
Remember your girls love you.

Calliope at War

Waves were angrily thrashing at the sides of the H.M.S Calliope making it almost impossible to concentrate with the added noise of the rain as it beat down on the crew as they tried to manoeuvre through the storm. They were fighting against a head wind of over one hundred and fifty miles per hour. The hurricane was at its peak as it let nothing get in its way. Other ships in the vicinity had already been damaged beyond repair due to its ferocity and Captain Henry Coey Kane was desperately trying to guide his crew to safety. It was a tough task trying to keep the Calliope upright against the extremity of the winds but Kane was determined to keep his ship from the same fate as those he was slowly leaving behind. Just twenty feet from coral reef the propeller was spinning at seventy four revelations per minute and there were at least ten men on the wheel shouting at each other to make themselves heard as they tried to maintain some control of the rudder as the Calliope narrowly missed hitting another ship.

*

Twelve hours earlier there had been little sign, despite strong gales the night before, that this was the war this crew would have to battle. With his ship quietly stationed on the calm water of the Samoan Islands, Captain Kane was stood at the helm underneath a clear sky, slowly twisting his moustache between his fingers as he waited. What he was waiting for he did not know for sure but he had been sent with his crew to watch over the ever growing diplomatic crisis between the United States and Germany. Confrontation between six vessels, three American and three German, also situated near the port of Apia, looked imminent and Kane's men were on hand to intervene when necessary. Kane's immediate problem was that seven vessels in this small area of the pacific ocean left little room and Kane was of the opinion that more space could be made if only half of the vessels were anchored there, but with six vessels staring each other down and pride being at the forefront of their minds there seemed little hope of any of them backing down and moving out of the small reef engulfed area.

      As Kane started thinking strategy he was interrupted by Navigating Lieutenant Henry Pearson who insisted the Captain look at his current barometer reading. “The readings have been gradually falling all morning,” Pearson told Kane who agreed that this meant one thing. A hurricane could be in full swing in a matter of hours. Taking stock of the situation around him, he saw that none of the other ships seemed to be preparing to move despite Kane knowing that each ship would contain a barometer with similar readings. Rubbing the back of his neck as a spasm of tiredness hit him he made a decision. “Keep me updated every thirty minutes or sooner if anything changes dramatically. I want to be prepared for any disaster but at the same time I do not want to act the fool and leave toward open waters only to have to come crawling back when nothing happens. We have already survived one storm. I am sure we will come through another. Dismissed.” Needing no more encouragement the Lieutenant turned on his heel and returned to his workspace.

*

Now in the throes of torrential rain and gale force winds Kane was glad he had been given the early warning. The wind seemed to have reached its climax, screaming around them at 185 miles per hour making it impossible to think, but not thinking was a luxury Kane could not afford as the Calliope had dragged its anchor so far it was only six feet away from the reefs. After several collisions with nearby ships due to the ports anchor breaking free, he was now forced to order all his stokers below deck to shovel for their lives to obtain maximum steam pressure as he finally decided to slip the starboard cable and venture away from the dangers of the nearby reefs and the ships in close proximity. Other ships had already been beached and Kane did not want to join them. He needed to venture into more open space if they were to survive this storm but travelling at one knot per hour, despite engines being at full capacity it took two hours to travel just four cables as Kane's crew battled through the waves, negotiating the space between the neighbouring ships. Ahead of the Calliope were two American ships and to starboard there were two others. As the Calliope edged between them they clipped the side of one of the other ships causing Kane to fear that extensive damage had been caused. “Report,” he screamed at his closest men through the noise of the storm. Rain was still streaming down in sheets and the wind was no less vicious. No real damage could be detected at this point so the crew steered themselves away from immediate collision narrowly missing another ship as they straightened up fighting against the gales all the while. The war against the hurricane was using up the crews combined strength but their morale to beat it never failed.

       It took many hours but eventually the H.M.S Calliope made it to open waters. The ship that had been nearest to them cheered as they passed. The Trenton had irreparable wreckage and the Calliope was in no position to help them yet the crew of the American ship were in awe of their bravery wishing them all the best and now eleven hours later Kane was able to instruct his crew to ease the engines as the hurricane was slowly subsiding too. The Calliope had sustained minimal damage and Kane called his crew together to express his gratitude. He was proud of the strength and courage they had portrayed. “This was not the war we anticipated but nevertheless we came through undefeated.” The crew cheered and saluted their captain proud to be working for him. It was after all his guidance that had helped them prevail.

       In the hours that followed they celebrated their success and their lives before Captain Kane made the decision to venture back towards Apia to survey the damage the hurricane had left behind. The experience of this short and much quicker journey was sobering as they surveyed the mass of bodies littering the enclosed waters of the port. Some of the ships had drifted ashore where crews were now trying to repair them, others had been wrecked causing the extensive loss of life. The surviving Captains were full of praise for Kane and he found some comfort in their words. His crew after all were safe, but some of that credit, he thought, should go to the H.M.S Calliope herself.

TWINTUITION

Tonight I felt my sister die as the knife he used sliced into her heart

When the pain subsided I knew she was gone so

Ignoring my grief I called the police.

Now I was at home and she was in town but,  
They took my knowledge of her whereabouts as an admission of guilt.  Understandably I was met with disbelief as I explained how

I'd felt her pain as I now felt her presence. 

Terry Adams is who you want and he is burying her body in West End Park.

I solved their case yet they were still suspicious but all I wanted now was to grieve.

Oh Lucy, I was with you at the end, I promise I was.

Now rest in peace my darling twin.

One Sided

“Wow you look great,” Helen told her friend as she kissed Lisa on the cheek.
“Of course,” Lisa said as though this was the most obvious thing in the world.
So, how are you?” asked Helen as she sat down opposite Lisa and shuffled out of her jacket.
“I'm really good,” replied Lisa enthusiastically, picking up the wine menu and Helen smiled. Lisa was never as bothered about ordering food as she was about ordering wine. The waiter took their drinks order and amidst Lisa's flirtatious remarks a bottle of red was quickly selected, along with a jug of water and then Helen opened the main menu whilst Lisa bombarded her with information about the current state of her life.
“So yes, things couldn't be better right now. I left Jack. He wasn't right for me so I'm back on the market for a rich, eligible bachelor who will sweep me off my feet and treat me like a queen.”  Hardly taking a breath Lisa continued, “I've been promoted at long last. I don't know what took them so long,” she sighed dramatically, “but I'm now the producer of the show and since I've taken over the ratings have gone through the roof. All it needed were a few proactive changes and I was the woman to put them into place,” she bragged as Helen nodded and smiled. The waiter came back to take their food order and then Lisa continued talking and Helen kept nodding and smiling despite being slightly annoyed that since it was she who had arranged this lunch Lisa had not so much as asked her how she was, but then it was always Helen who suggested their lunch dates.
“So anyway the station have asked if I would like to produce a second show and of course I said yes,” Lisa was saying as she poured wine into her glass before replacing it back into the cooler. Helen made a point of picking up the jug of water and poured herself a glass, but Lisa wasn't paying any attention. “This new show starts filming in October and looks like it will be a success, especially now I've suggested a few changes here and there.”
    It took drumming her fingernails on her glass repeatedly before Lisa eventually noticed that Helen was barely listening let alone joining in with the conversation.
“So anything new with you?” Lisa asked, almost reluctantly, as she reached over and took a piece of bread from the basket which has just been laid on their table.
“Well actually yes,” Helen said taking a sip of her water. “I...”
“Great, and how's simple Simon,” she laughed referring to Helen's husband.
“He's great. He's been promoted himself recently.” Trying to keep her voice upbeat she waited for the congratulations but none came and Lisa was soon back talking about herself again. “I put an offer on that house I was telling you about. I'm paying a little over the odds but it's worth it and I can afford it now so it shouldn't be a bother. You should so come and see it when I'm in. Oh yes and I will have to have a house warming. Hopefully I can persuade a few of my celeb friends to attend, that will make the others jealous of me.” Helen had once again switched off and if asked she would not have known what Lisa had been saying for the last few minutes. She was almost wishing she had not arranged to meet. It was always the same and no matter who told her this friendship was one sided she had never really seen it or done anything about it. Helen cleared her throat as she finished the last bites of her meal. Yes, that was how long Lisa had been talking.
“Lisa,” Helen said interrupting some story about the latest celebrity party Lisa had attended. “I arranged this lunch to tell you that I'm pregnant. I haven't told anyone else yet, except Simon of course,” she giggled with excitement as she said, “I wanted you to be the first to know,” Helen added.
“Honoured I'm sure,” Lisa said, the sarcasm hitting Helen like a slap in the face. “Well... another thing that Simon has done to get in the way of your career. You could have been such a success by now if you had put your mind to it but instead you insist on playing the suburban housewife.”
Helen could barely breathe as she tried to suppress her anger at Lisa's reaction to the happiest news of her life.
“Well,” Lisa was saying. “I'd better have this party sooner rather than later before you are too fat to look half decent in anything.”
Helen picked up her napkin which was lying on her lap, folded it neatly but did not let go as she said quietly, “How dare you pick apart my life as though it is inferior to yours. I have a husband who loves me and who happens to be kind hearted and fun to be around. Who do you have?” Wringing the napkin in her hands she ploughed on, not giving Lisa a chance to respond. “I have a perfectly good job that I love and am very good at, so I am successful thank you, just not in the lime light sort of way that you mean.” Lisa's mouth was wide open but for once Helen was not giving her a chance to speak. “You go through life destroying those around you until they are your fearful minions. Well I refuse to be one of them any longer. Goodbye Lisa. I'm going home to my husband to celebrate being pregnant and then I will call all of the people I should have called before telling you. My friends. The ones who will be happy for me.” Shaking, she stood up throwing her napkin on the table along with thirty pounds to cover the cost of her meal. Turning on her heel she left Lisa who was wondering what the hell had happened. 
    Outside the restaurant Helen called her husband. “You were right,” she said when he picked up after the first ring. “She was as enthusiastic as a pig on slaughter day. I'm sorry I yelled at you when you tried to tell me. I guess I had to find out for myself. I'll be home soon. I love you.” Hanging up she rushed to her car and drove home. A fractured friendship had finally broken and despite thinking all these years that she needed Lisa she knew now that she really didn't and all she wanted to do now was focus on her future and those who were true to her.

Journey to Goodbye

Opening the crisp cover of the new copy of her favourite novel Jane Eyre, Katrina sank into the less than comfortable seat which public transport offered the common traveller, devouring the first two chapters before the train had even left King's Cross due to a signal failure a mile up the track. ‘Hopefully not a sign of things to come,’ she thought, thinking enviously of her normal commute to work which was a short five minute walk from her flat. Once the train started the four and half hour trek to Edinburgh, Katrina dragged her eyes away from the page she was reading and allowed herself to take in the scenes flowing past as the train picked up speed. 

      London was looking glum as it stared back at her and was being made all the more depressing due to thick grey clouds hanging overhead, which lacked any optimism for the day ahead. “Well,' she thought, ‘I guess the weather is aware of my mood'. She lifted the book from its resting place on her knee and read a few more lines but she did not concentrate on the content. Instead she discreetly took a look around. There were just two other people, a couple of business men in formal attire, in the spacious carriage with her despite the 7am train being a peak time option. She didn’t mind though, she could do without the bustle of numerous travellers and she was sure it would pick up later. Both passengers looked as unenthusiastic as she did about the journey they had just embarked on as they rustled their morning papers in an attempt to look awake. 

      The carriage itself was clean enough, if not a little dusky in smell and she could not help but feel repulsed at the tiny piece of pink chewing gum which has been pressed into the seal of the window. She shuddered and looked away, swiftly reading another four chapters of her book before shoving it into her purple, suede bag. There would be plenty of time for reading. She thought of the miles ahead and then she thought of what lay in wait for her in Scotland.
     Going home had been a major topic of conversation for some time but for one reason or another she had kept putting it off. Grandmother Lily had continually argued that it was her obsessive streak holding her back. Katrina was unable to put someone else in charge of her work as a book editor for a while so that she could take a well deserved break.
     Now though her journey home was one of necessity and heartache rather than one of pleasure. When she arrived in Edinburgh later that day Grandmother Lily's housekeeper, Annie would meet her and together they would prepare for the funeral which would mark the end of an era for both of them.
      If only she had let her friend, Angela, look after her flat a few weeks ago, when she had offered, and she had let Martin, her assistant, take on the promotions for Martha Donahue's latest book tour, she might have seen her grandmother in her final days. Days which could have been filled with a reminder of the love that Lily and Katrina held for each other. Fortunately, Lily had accepted Katrina for the workaholic she had become yet that did nothing to stop the guilt which now engulfed her.
      Focusing on the sea of luscious green fields as they whizzed past with London now being far in the distance Katrina took a moment to relax. They were only at Peterborough so she closed her eyes and started to think of her childhood, where her grandmother had been her only source of family. As memories of grief and rebellion and later a lasting friendship merged she drifted into a light sleep, the pressure of the last few weeks getting the better of her as she finally succumbed to her tiredness.
      She was forced into consciousness some time later as the train came to an abrupt stop. Noticing they were not at a station she groaned inwardly as she waited for someone to explain the situation as she righted her position to look less like she had been sleeping. She rubbed her neck, sore from the position she had found herself in when she awoke and tried to get more comfortable. The announcement she was waiting for came over the intercom then, “Unfortunately we are experiencing signal failure up ahead due to the theft of some cabling. We will get moving as soon as possible.” What was the world coming to when someone felt the need to steal some cabling? ‘Must be worth something I suppose for it to be worth the effort,’ Katrina thought. Dragging herself out of her chair she pulled her short black skirt into place as she decided to take a trip to the food carriage. Making sure her suitcase was safe she grabbed her bag and manoeuvred through the carriages, trying not to trip up on anything that was sticking out from underneath the seats. Further down the train there were a lot more passengers and a lot more noise. She grimaced as she negotiated bags, elbows and even a child’s fist as it splayed out into the aisle without warning as she passed him. She tried to hold her breath as she passed the toilet facilities but could not help but be disgusted at the smell that was emanating from within. Hurrying on she joined the end of a two man queue in a narrow, dark blue corridor in the carriage which housed the food and tried to decide what she would eat. The chances of finding anything healthy were slim although she thought she spied a banana from where she stood. As the first man walked away with some sort of greasy food she waited for the second man to obtain his coffee and then it was her turn. “Morning,” she said, trying to be friendly but the girl behind the counter brushed off her attempts and demanded to know her order. “A black coffee and a banana please,” Katrina said coldly in retaliation to her rudeness and slammed her money on the counter. Grabbing her items without saying ‘thank you’ or ‘goodbye’ she braced herself for the walk back to her seat but miraculously she managed to get there without spilling any of the hot coffee.
     By this time the train had restarted its journey albeit slower than before and soon they had stopped at York station where it seemed a substantial amount of passengers were now boarding. This made the carriages hot and stuffy and despite most of the tiny windows now being open this had no affect. Katrina drank her coffee whilst balancing her book on her knee, trying desperately not to make eye contact with anyone. She was conscious that the seats were not quite large enough to accommodate her and the lady who had sat down next to her and she shuffled closer to the wall of the train, hoping that the journey would soon be at its end. 

      Her mind once more moved towards her grandmother and couldn’t help wondering if she was as claustrophobic in her current resting place as she was feeling right now. If she closed her eyes tight enough and put her arms down by her side she almost felt like she was there with her. Shaking these thoughts away she glanced back down at her book, there not being anything else to do on such a long journey, but the words were blurred, as some tears escaped down her face at the though of her grandmother all alone. Brushing them away in frustration she sighed shutting her book with a slap but keeping hold of it not wanting to disturb her fellow passenger who appeared to have fallen asleep. As Katrina settled in for the remainder of the journey, the train now having left Newcastle station after a brief stop, Grandmother Lily once again swept into her mind almost as real as if she had swept into a room. The long flowing summer dresses Lily had worn when Katrina was growing up allowed her to do this and Katrina smiled now at the thought. If she could just get past the guilt of not being with her at the end she would be peaceful in the knowledge that Lily was in a better place. ‘Clichéd?’ she questioned herself. Maybe, but her grandmother had always believed her soul would live on when her body did not. This did nothing to stop her grief however and although she wanted this journey to end she was worried about the task ahead. Preparing a funeral was not her idea of fun although getting in touch with some of Lily’s friends would be enjoyable despite the circumstances. When Lily had been in a room with any number of her close friends it had always been a riot and even as Katrina thought about it she let out a small giggle as she remembered some of things they had gotten up to. Lily’s friends had been as much Katrina’s family as they had been Lily’s and she hoped that this would remain so now.
     Going through her grandmother’s house and boxing it all up so she could sell the property was another job she was not looking forward to as she would have to cram it all into the week she had booked off work, but again perhaps she would enjoy looking at the things that Lily had built up throughout her life to make her the person she was. Katrina was sure she would find journals and letters and other keepsakes that would keep her grandmother alive in her mind. ‘You know what?’ she thought to herself as the train finally pulled up in Edinburgh station. ‘I can do this. I can say goodbye and still be the woman that I am. Grandmother Lily will remain alive in me.’ With that thought in mind she stood up with focus, grabbed her suitcase down from the overhead shelf minding not to knock anyone out with it and exited the train straight into the arms of Annie who had seen the train come in and had spotted the carriage Katrina had been sitting in. Annie welcomed her like a long lost daughter and Katrina kissed her cheek, linked arms with her and said, “Let’s do this.”

Nobody Listens

I am Chloe, I'm fourteen and I'm crying out for help yet nobody listens. It feels like I am in a dark room with no way out. I am just a shadow of the sunny little girl I used to be and it feels like not one person has noticed. I don't know what to do. When I talk the words just disappear into the abyss getting lost in the fog that is everyone else's real life as they little realise that this is my real life too as I struggle to stay in control. I am alone despite living in a house full of people and attending a school with so many more and no matter how loud I talk still nobody listens.
      I'm fourteen and my only true friend is a knife. A black piece of plastic with a shiny silver blade sticking out of it. Desperate for a release to the pain in my heart the end of this blade meets the tender skin on my arm but for a minute I resist wondering if perhaps this time I will be caught. Maybe someone will scream at me to stop and hold me as I cry into their arms so I find relief this way instead.

       Seconds pass and I am still alone in my black hole so I press the blade harder into my arm and wait for the first sign of blood. The skin goes white as the blade makes the initial puncture mark and a small dark red drop of blood trickles down my arm. I drag the knife along the skin so it leaves a line of about three centimetres long and then I repeatedly trace the line to make it deeper and longer. Barely thinking about what I am doing I continue doing this until there are more cuts than skin on my arm. Five minutes have passed yet it feels like seconds. Feeling more calm I now deftly slot the knife back into it's hiding place in the small tear in the middle of my mattress. The cuts on my arm have swollen like bumps in the road and they sting as I pull my sleeve down and go back to my homework. The pain in my heart has disappeared and in its place is a pain I can understand, a pain I can identify. Today nobody listened so I helped myself. Maybe tomorrow someone else can help. 

   

I hope the above has highlighted a growing problem in our younger generation. Yes this behaviour can be perceived as attention seeking but there is always a reason why a child would resort to such extremities. Children need to be heard because no matter how trivial their problems might seem to an adult they are real to the child. An adult may have a solution at hand but a child who has reached the depths of despair can not see clearly and they need the help that they are reaching out for.

For more information please follow the links below:

www.childline.org.uk

www.nspcc.org.uk

www.samaritans.org

An Emotional Achievement

Standing in the crowded park with my mum, and two thousand other women, under a bright, summer sky I could feel the amplified atmosphere as the welcome began for the charity race ahead. Poignant messages were being shared across the loud speaker and as the warm up followed I couldn't help but wipe a tear away. I noticed that mum was doing the same so I took her hand giving it a gentle squeeze as she gave me a small smile. “You OK?” I asked and she nodded. We were now exercising on the spot, trying to loosen our muscles, in time with the music and trying to copy the instructor on the stage. Today would be an emotional journey for both of us but I knew we could do it. The mood of the vicinity had already changed from sombre to excitement as everyone around us got into the swing of the warm up. As we finished I picked up my bottle of water and took a mouthful before twisting the cap back into place. “Ready for this?” I asked and mum nodded, a big smile replacing the small emotion filled one from earlier. “As I'll ever be,” she said as she linked arms with me. “We are going to have such a sense of achievement once we have done this,” she continued with pride seeping into her voice. I gave her a hug and said, “I think we already have that by just being here.”
As we waited for the race to start I thought back to twelve months earlier when I had sat in my oncologists office with a pounding heart, my husband sat on one side and mum sat on the other. Closing the door behind us Dr Belvoir seemed to take ages to get to her desk. My leg started jigging up and down in anticipation of the news that the doctor was about to share. As she finally sat down she made eye contact with me and smiled, “Rebecca, it's great news you are all clear.” I breathed a sigh and instantaneously I felt like a weight had been lifted from my tired shoulders. Looking to my left I could see my husband beaming as he reached for my hand, holding it tight as though he never wanted to let go. On my right my mum was struggling to hold back tears as a joyous smile spread across her face. Looking back at the doctor I said,“Thank you.” The time for celebration was upon us as the heartache started slipping away into the past. I was cancer free.
I came back to the present as mum nudged me telling me we were about to start. We edged closer to the area where the walkers were standing. The idea was for us to have fun without doing more than we were capable of and to raise lots of money for cancer charities, now very close to my heart. The race was started and a cheer went through the air. I took mum's hand as we started to walk. The grey tarmac was warm and smooth underfoot as the sun glistened and we moved quickly, trying to  negotiate the crowds so we can find our own space further ahead. Every person we passed had a message on their back wishing someone well for the future or expressing loss caused by this horrific disease. Yet everyone's spirits were high, including ours and our pace never faltered, the people around us and the thought of the money we had raised spurring us on.
This was a five kilometre race and when we reached the 'one kilometre' sign mum gave me a high five before saying. “Come on, only four more to go.” With that we picked up our pace and kept going. As we walked down onto the dunes we took in the spectacular view the deep, blue sea gave us and this made it all the more worthwhile. Whilst we walked children were playing all around us, down on the beach, in the sea and in the park surrounding us. It was beautiful to see them enjoying the glorious weather without a care in the world. That to me, was how life should be.
I was so busy concentrating on everyone but me at that point, I missed a kerb and nearly fell flat on my face. Mum broke my fall by grabbing hold of me and once I had righted myself I could not stop giggling. Mum looked at me like I'd gone mental before joining in.  
Soon we had one kilometre left and we were determined to get to the finish line before the end of the hour. We joined hands again and picked up an even faster pace without breaking into a run. On the last stretch my dad and my husband were stood cheering us on. We waved but kept going. As we re-entered the park, I gripped mum's hand tight. With the huge stop clock in sight my feet seemed to feel heavy as though our speed had faltered. We had four minutes if we wanted to finish within sixty minutes. My feet were feeling like lead but I dragged them forwards step by step and after what seemed like forever we crossed the finish line after fifty eight minutes and forty three seconds of walking. The look of ecstasy and pride on my face were immediately apparent as I pulled mum into a hug and kissed her on both cheeks. “Well done,” I said into her ear as we were given our medals.

“Well done you,” she replied, grinning. We were loving the sense of achievement of what we had just done. This short journey was at its end but the one of positivity and enjoyment was just beginning. After this past hour I finally believed in the future I had ahead of me.